Archive for November, 2008

The Only Way to Get Over Shyness

Monday, November 17th, 2008

There are a lot of shy guys out there. A surprising amount of them are probably good looking, great life and have the attributes of a great mate, but they lack that social aspect that basically leaves you with nothing. Shyness sucks because it takes away that ability to just go up and say hi to someone without it being awkward.

I was a shy guy from up. I remember watching other guys just go talk to a girl and they were in instant conversation with a lot of rapport. I didn’t get it. I tried, but it didn’t seem to work. It sucked, but I eventually learned what it takes to do it.

Start Talking

There’s no way around it. You’re just going to have to talk to people and it’s going to be one of the most awkward times you’re going to have. You’ll probably hate it and hate me for telling you to do it. The reality is that you’re not going to be a smooth talker at the end of the day. It takes a lot of time.

You’re probably going to get blown out and have a real rough interaction, but you just have to keep going. Think of it like a learning experience. There is an endless amount of women to talk to, so keep going. As you keep doing this, you’ll get better. In a few months time, you’re probably going to feel a lot more confident and you’re going to notice that things are starting to pull together much better.

Why You’re Shy?

You have to address this issue. A lot of us have issues, but we never really sit down and identify why we have them. There are people out there that say that shyness is a positive quality. I don’t view it that way. Extroverted and introverted are characteristics of people, but shy is different. Shy is based on a fear and that’s why it’s so damaging.

My fear came from being worried about what people thought of me. I never had a problem being talkative around my friends, because I already knew my friends liked me. And that’s the reality. If you’re an outgoing talkative guy around your friends, but not around strangers, it is a fear.

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The Art of Calling

Friday, November 14th, 2008

Inevitably you’re going to have to move to the phone game which happens to be much better. Phones are the tool that let you reach out and communicate with anyone at anytime, which has its positives and negatives.

A lot of guys know how to act in front of women, but they don’t fully understand how to act with the phone. The key is to not come off needy, but a lot of guys do. You may not be trying to do such a thing, but it’s the way you use the phone that matters.

Wait Before You Call

Let’s say you go out and you get someones number. You may have this impulse to call right away, don’t. It just shows neediness. Basically it comes off like you have nothing else to do. Do you really want to come off this way?

Anyone that has watched the movie Swingers knows that the rule is two days. The reason is that you don’t come off needy.

Progressive Phone Lengths

Seriously, you shouldn’t be using a phone to have a long conversation starting out. That might be something that comes with time as you build a relationship, but I still don’t like it. If you really need to have a good talk with someone, do it in person.

I used to have a roommate at University that had these 12 hour tack-a-thons with his “girlfriend”. This is nothing more than neediness. I know I couldn’t talk on the phone for that long.

Keep it brief. Talking is for in person.

Have a Purpose

You need to have a reason for calling. If you want to ask your out to do something, make sure you know what. Get on the phone and ask. There’s no need to dance around points. Be a man and make them.

Do Not Fill The Answering Machine

Look, women get hit on a lot and because they’re nice, they’ll just give out their numbers. Often times they’ll just screen their calls. That means, if they don’t see a number they know, they’ll let it go to the machine. That’s life, but don’t be one of those guys that leaves a ton of messages because you’re coming off needy.

I suggest you don’t leave a message the first time. Try again later. When I say later, make sure there is sometime between the last call. If you don’t get her than, leave a message saying who you are and that’s that.

I don’t think there is a point calling back after that. She has your number and if she wants to talk to you, she’ll do it.

Have Grounded Expectations

You’re going to get women that flake, that will give you excuses and others that won’t even answer. It’s life. Remember, live your life and if a woman wants to be around you, than that’s great.

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Interest in a Friend?

Friday, November 7th, 2008

I hear this quite a lot actually. Guys that have female friends that they’re really interested in and it doesn’t surprise me. Guys that have female friends are typically interested in them on one level or another. I guess the real question comes down to whether you should pursue it or not.

I know a lot of guys will sit around be friends, while this girl has a boyfriend. But once she breaks up with him, they feel that it is now their time. I’ve talked about the dynamics of the friend zone, so you can guess that the odds are against you.

Risk it or Don’t Risk it

This is what it comes down to. There’s really a point in your life where you’re not really looking for more friends, you’re looking for something more and that maybe what you’re looking for. You have to understand that if you confess your feelings to her and she doesn’t feel the same way, that the friendship will be over because it will just get awkward.

The other side of the coin is that she feels the same way you do, but she doesn’t want to make the first move because of the reasons stated in the previous paragraph.

So it comes down to a choice. You can risk it or not. That’s what it all comes down to. Sometimes you just have to try, at least once. But the choice is up to you.

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Are You The Best Possible Man?

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

I think you see a lot of guys that want the hottest girl they can find, but they don’t hold those standards for themselves. What I mean is that if you expect to have a woman that always looks good and does spends hours in front of the mirror every morning doing make up, you’re going to have to meet expectations of hers.

Luckily for you, you don’t have to spend your time in front of a mirror.

What is the best possible man?

Well, I’m sure every woman has those specific little things that they like, but there are some underlining things that most women will want.

Humor: They want someone that is going to make them laugh.
Confidence: Nothing is more sexy than that.
Motivated: On the couch all day? Well, it’s not going to cut it.
Independent: I think this might change as you get older, but typically being your own man and doing things your way works well.

I think being in control of your life is extremely important. If you’re someone roting in a dead end job that you hate, with a dream of owning your own business, than you have to go get that business. You have to be living your life for you and go after things you want.

I’m trying to pick my words the best. I think it’s about living your life for you and not going with the flow.

Also dressing nice is also a good thing. It shows that you at least take care of yourself, plus it can be used to project a specific image – like looking confident.

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How to Get Over Nervousness

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

A lot of guys want to know how to get over nervousness and nervous feelings they get when they’re with women or have to approach one. Well, the reality is that it will never completely disappear, but it can subside a lot.

I’ve tried to figure out what nervousness boils down too and I think it is a relatively new experience, where you’re not really sure of the outcome – even though you have to put yourself out there. It’s also important to note that you’re going to feel this “nervous” feeling around women that you would call “hot”, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re nervous, you could be just excited.

Here is what I’ve concluded…

Experience

I think the more you do something, the more experience you get at it, the easier it gets. You start to understand the outcome of your actions and it is no longer unknown. This takes away the nervousness. It was sort of like when I first started to learn how to drive. I was nervous as hell behind the wheel, but as I got more time behind the wheel, the easier it got.

Bad experience can have a bad effect, even though it will eliminate nervousness. You’ll just end up expecting negative outcomes and you’ll just become one of those sour guys that hate women.

Positive experience is what you should be aiming for because it is the most healthy. At first it’ll be hard to get that positive experience because you’re so nervous. It can be an almost self-fulfilling prophecy at first. If you start approaching women and talking to them, you’ll eventually get over the real bad nervousness. You’ll still feel nervous, but it won’t be so bad that others can spot it a mile away. At that point you’ll start to pile up all these positive outcomes. The more positives you stack up, the more confident you’ll become with the whole process.

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Do You Have Standards Beyond Looks?

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

I have a question I like to ask other guys and that is if they have standards beyond looks. I know there are a lot of good looking ladies out there, but there has to be a little more to that. Sex can make things tolerable in a relationship, but you should definitely want more.

I’m going to show you why should have some standards…

Things Get Annoying

At first you may be so fixated on her looks that you can look past the bad qualities, but you’re eventually going to have to deal with them and often they’re annoying as hell.

For example, you’ll meet females that like to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk (you’ll meet guys like that too). It’s really annoying and I can’t stand it. It would drive me nuts.

A Relationship Beyond Sex

Seriously, like if you’re only into her because of her looks than what sort of relationship will you ever have with her beyond that point. What if she is a bubble head? What are you going to do after sex? Talk about shopping for “cute outfits” at the mall?

Be Different

There are plenty of hot women out there and all of them are used to being hit on each day for that vary reason. They know they’re hot and every sleeze ball has tried to get with her. When you enter the picture and display that you have standards, and that you are looking for value beyond her looks, she’ll see you as a different guy, a catch – someone that isn’t banking on her looks.

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The Art of Small Talk

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008

It is amazing that a lot of guys out there don’t know how to do a little small talk. I guess it could be a nervous feeling that causes the brain to go blank. I know you view that as a bad thing, but isn’t that what Buddha was trying to achieve? I guess he would of suggested living in the moment.

I mentioned in a previous post about conversation and that you need to converse in such away that sort of forces the other person to add. The problem a lot of guys get into, especially when nervous, is that they ask close ended questions. What’s your major? Where you from? Etc. All these questions will get a 1 word response, which isn’t going to help you in small talk. Unless she’s really a “talker”, the conversation will go stale.

They key is to just keep conversation reciprocal and in such a way where you force her to share more. The word “force” makes it sound bad, but think of it as a cleaver psychological way of discussion that increases the odds that she’ll share more.

Share and Ask an Open Ended Question

Asking a woman what her major is will get you a one answer response “Multimedia”, “Political Science”, etc. That’s fine, but the open ended question could come right after “What made you want to take that major?” That question requires an investment on their part. Typically they have to tap into the emotional side of the brain that made them make that decision in the first place. That works good for you because the positive process of choosing that major is associated with you.

But it can’t be about you asking open ended questions and making her invest into the conversation. She won’t do it unless you’re sharing. That’s why it is often better to tell her why you choose your major than ask about why she choose hers.

All you have to do is listen to her, pick up on something she talked about, share and ask an open ended question about it.

Congrats – you’re having small talk.

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Dynamics: Why Friend to Girlfriend Doesn't Work

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

What happens to a lot of guys is that they end up becoming friends with women they want a relationship with. There is a huge obstacle with this whole dynamic and it’s really really hard to break. Once you realize that there is a specific dynamic to the relationship, you’ll realize why this is a lost cause (for the most part).

They call it the friend zone and it is very hard to get out of.

As human beings we like to classify and define things. When we define things, we end up getting a specific expectation and limitations based on our classification. In more common terms, it means that we put people into certain categories and expect them to play a specific role. For example, if you’re the shy nerdy guy that plays on the computer a lot, than that’s the category you’ll end up in. Trying to seduce her is going to be an extremely odd role and she’ll reject it on that basis alone.

It’s sort of like after you get out high school for a few years and bump into some people you went to school one day. You still have that dynamic. If one of them was extremely shy, than you view them as the shy one. And really they all remain in the same role.

This is what it is all about. When a female puts you into the friend role, that’s just what she expects. You might not enter into the same view. You might view her as “potential meat”, but it doesn’t matter.

Basically, I view this as a lost cause, but there are things you can do. What you need to do is break the category she put you in. She put you in as a friend (as the opposite sex), so she probably didn’t view you as a mate. Now seducing her will just come off extremely weird, so all you can do is be a mate to other women. It’s really the only way she can end up changing that category in her head. You can’t do it directly, she just has to sort of observe it.

I say it is a lost cause because there are plenty of women out there and it’s great having female friends, so why mess it up? Don’t get obsessed with one person. Go out and meet as many as you can.

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The Ex's and Expected Problems

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

When you get into a relationship people would have you think that thinking about the breakup is just negative thinking and you shouldn’t go there. It typically comes from the whole prenump talk. But the reality is that it doesn’t hurt to be prepared before hand for a negative outcome. We get health insurance in case we have get sick. We get car insurance in case we get in an accident. Thinking about a negative outcome in the future is smart.

I’m not going to debate prenumps, but I think it is important to require a specific type of integrity from a person you’re looking to date. There might not be a problem today, but after a breakup there could be a lot of bad things happening.

Work Relationship

You don’t want to ever date someone you work with. You don’t mix career with anything so intimate. Imagine what would happen if you guys broke up. It would turn work into a completely awkward place. Eventually one of you would end up leaving the job because of it. It doesn’t matter how much you think you can handle it, you can’t. It’s awkward and you just don’t do it.

The Psycho

I use the term “psycho” because you don’t typically refer to this person until you’ve broke up. The exhibit very obsessive and confrontational behaviors. A lot of guys would say that this is something they never expected, but the reality is the behavior existed the first day you met her. You might of put up with it because she was “hot” and this is where you really need some integrity. You want someone that is on the rational side, not an emotional wreck.

Wants You Back

I’d say watch out for this type because it can be quite tempting. You may forget why you broke up in the first place and if you don’t snub this problem immediately, it will raise it’s head when you’re back out dating again.

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The Signs That A Girl Likes Me

Saturday, November 1st, 2008

I hear guys asking me this all the time. Women tend to be more symbolic, vague and surprisingly esoteric. As men, we don’t always pick up on this because it can be quite subtle.

I want to say that you’ll just know, but I have a feeling a lot of females would hit me because that just isn’t the case. Women are more likely to talk with body language, and as guys, we don’t get it. So here are some queues that you should look for.

Playing With Her Hair

It’s a nervous habit. You’ve got to her (in a good way). She’s into you and you’re making her nervous and excited at the same time. You’re set.

Her Body Turns to You

I think this point is easier to illustrate when a woman isn’t into you. Basically the front part of your body is the open part. It’s how you open up to people. When a woman isn’t interested, she’ll turn away or only give you a little open space.

It’s the same thing if they cross their arms or move their legs away from you while you’re sitting. She’s not into you. Conversely, if she’s into you, her body will turn and open up to you.

She Touches You

She’s into you unless she’s saying “get lost freak”. Touching is a form of connecting with a person on another level and if she’s touching your arms, shoulders or chest, she’s trying to build another connection with you.

For me, women end up touching my chest and I guess I owe that to the gym.

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